Home Criminal Defense You Sniveling Little Cheats! (A Dialogue About Professionalism)

You Sniveling Little Cheats! (A Dialogue About Professionalism)

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(Picture through Getty)

By Your Bar Examiner

Greetings,

We Bar Examiners wish to remind you lazy college students, who didn’t need to stroll uphill, within the snow (each methods), that you’re maybe The Worst Technology Ever. As an alternative of finding out for the bar with razor-like focus, you perpetually fear about whether or not you will die of COVID-19.  How does that assist your consumer? You aren’t going to die of COVID-19! You’re going to be labored to loss of life, for those who’re fortunate! Take a look at us! Do we glance comfortable? No. And that’s why we’re right here to make you depressing. We needed to undergo the identical factor. And so are you able to!

In any occasion, having absolutely thought of in the midst of 5 minutes whether or not there needs to be a reside Bar Examination (after all there needs to be, you lazy nitwits!), now we have turned our consideration to dishonest. Please pay shut consideration to the foundations for the bar examination, as issues have modified relying in your jurisdiction.

On-line Bar Examination Takers

  1. A proctor will transfer in with you three weeks earlier than the examination. That is to guarantee the proctor has ample time to look your domicile for locations you would possibly stash solutions as you’re taking the check. Please clear your laundry earlier than the proctor arrives. The purpose of the proctor is not to undergo your soiled laundry. THAT is the purpose of the character and health portion of this system!
  2. Please obtain our bar examination software program (SpySoft) three weeks earlier than the bar examination. Keep in mind that your digital camera have to be on always, and we may have entry to your monetary information and all the pieces in your pc. Please chorus from selecting your nostril for 3 weeks, as that disgusts us.
  3. Please take your laptop computer into the lavatory with you so we all know you gained’t cheat and have stuff written on the bathroom paper in there. Oh, don’t whine. You understand completely properly a few of you have got already performed this throughout Zoom lessons.
  4. In case your web crashes, we’ll assume you might be dishonest and flunk you.
  5. When you should not have web it’s best to have considered that earlier than complaining about COVID-19 now, shouldn’t you?

In Particular person/”Dwell” Bar Examination Takers

  1. After a lot argument from LadyLawyerDiaries, now we have agreed to allow you to use your individual tampons and pads. That isn’t true for some bars, however this bar is sort and compassionate. As an alternative, we’ll stand watch over you as you modify your tampon to guarantee there aren’t any solutions written. To keep away from being thought of sexist, we’ll examine “johnsons,” too. Males, we all know a few of you might need to write down smaller than others, so your proctors will carry magnifying glasses.
  2. We’ve determined to mix proctoring of the bar examination with character and health. Thus, our proctors shall be amassing urine samples in the course of the bar examination. Please keep away from poppy seed dressings and bagels for 3 weeks earlier than the examination. In case you are bladder shy, our proctors are approved to sing “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty.”
  3. That is in all probability a foul time to say rectal exams.  However(t), we’re very involved about your dishonest.  Rather more so than we’re about COVID-19. So, your proctor will change into your proctologist. Chances are you’ll protest, saying we by no means needed to endure such invasive searches.  We counter that we might NOT presumably cheat like that as a result of THAT is the place we hold our heads.
  4. A few of you have got made the poor option to be new moms across the time of the bar examination. Infants are such a present. However not for us! That is NOT a alternative we as predominantly septuagenarian males would have made.  You made a foul (nonmale) alternative. However now you need lodging. Thus, now we have a sofa within the testing foyer to guarantee you can both breast feed or pump as you deem needed. Your child/breast pump shall be inspected to guarantee that no solutions are written on something. Blue mild shall be used in your breast to guarantee the solutions aren’t written in invisible ink as your child latched on due to no matter magical fairy lipstick you set in your child previous to nursing.
  5. When you converse to ANYONE throughout any restroom break, our proctors are approved (and also you agree with the 20 waivers we made you signal) to kick you in your nether areas. That shall be your first warning. Second warning is expulsion from the examination and a second kick. Don’t even take into consideration saying “Excuse me” or “Hiya” or “Gesundheit.”

Okay, that needs to be it for the adjustments within the floor guidelines to the examination. It’s important that you just perceive that you’re about to change into a part of a occupation. As soon as you might be within the occupation, we’ll anticipate you to conduct your self appropriately, with out a lot oversight. Except you steal consumer funds, we’ll barely discover! However for proper now, we don’t belief you in any respect. You would possibly even be the pinnacle of a state bar and make racist statements! And we’d not care in any respect!  As soon as you go the examination.

A few of you would possibly suppose our guidelines above run opposite to the entire notions of “equity, integrity, and finest practices in admission to the authorized occupation for the profit and safety of the general public” that one would possibly discover on the NCBEX website. You would possibly suppose a few of these necessities are sexist and opposite to a “competent, moral, and numerous authorized occupation.” See, that’s the NCBEX imaginative and prescient, which isn’t essentially our imaginative and prescient as we serve on state boards! Our imaginative and prescient is that we MUST have a bar examination freed from dishonest.  And irrespective of how absurd and loopy the world will get, the check of competence is the bar examination.

Do you have to go the draconian hurdles we arrange earlier than you for no different purpose than our lack of innovation and merciless spirit, bear in mind: When you enter the bar, we’ll change into VERY involved about your psychological well being. Simply not now.

Good luck.  And cease desirous about dishonest.

Your pleasant neighborhood bar examiners.


LawProfBlawg is an nameless professor at a high 100 legislation faculty. He hates the Bar Examination. His ideas are his and his alone. You possibly can see extra of his musings here. He’s approach funnier on social media, he claims. Please comply with him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. E-mail him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.

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